The Most Surprising Question I Ask Parents During Their Child’s Intake Session

When you’re bringing your child to therapy you probably assume the intake will involve lots of questions about your child’s behavior. And you’re right! In every intake, I ask parents about their child’s life so far, any big life events or recent changes, and the behaviors parents are most concerned about.

But parents are often surprised by when I ask them:

When you think about your own childhood, how would you describe your relationship with your parents/caregivers?

Yep, your own childhood is relevant to my work with your child. But why?? Aren’t you paying me to help your kid have better coping skills and move past these problematic behaviors?

My work with children is most productive when parents are involved in the therapeutic process.

Whether it’s joining in for part of your child’s session or meeting regularly for parent meetings, YOU have the biggest impact on your child’s life. Helping parents understand their own attachment history can provide insight into why they feel super triggered when their child throws a tantrum. 

Often the only parenting education we get is the parenting we experienced from our primary caregivers in childhood. Therefore, even if we are intentionally trying to parent differently than our parents did, elements of the attachment style we developed with our caregivers tend to be present with our own children. Understanding your attachment history can give you insight into some of the challenging dynamics you experience with your child.

Children’s disruptive behavior, meltdowns, and tantrums are usually attempts to get their needs met.

If your child’s feelings are super big and overwhelming, the meltdown is communicating, “I need help regulating my emotions!”

Reflecting on your own attachment history can give you insight into how you got (or didn’t get) your emotional needs met in your childhood. This can help you identify the ways you’re struggling to meet your own child’s emotional needs or why some of your child’s behaviors are especially triggering to you. When we are triggered, it’s pretty hard to connect and meet our child’s emotional needs.

Attachment 101

So, Attachment history, huh? Here’s a brief overview to get you started reflecting on your childhood.

Attachment is the bond that forms between an infant and caregiver. Babies are born before they can be independent, so they rely on their caregivers for both their physical needs (food, sleep, shelter) and emotional needs (regulation of their nervous system). Based on how their caregivers meet (or don’t meet) their needs, infants develop one of the following attachment styles.

There are four main attachment styles:

Secure Attachment:

In this attachment style, adults meet the emotional and physical needs of their infant/child and have positive interactions. Caregivers are attuned, meaning they correctly interpret their child’s cues and provide emotional connection.

Children with a secure attachment can see that their caregiver meets their needs and they develop the internal sense: “I am worthy of care.”

Avoidant Attachment:

In this attachment style, adults meet the child’s basic, physical needs, but not always the emotional needs to connect and co-regulate with their child. Learn more about co-regulation here.

Children with an avoidant attachment style feel like their needs are not convenient and they tend to become (to outward appearances) very independent. This child generally tries to avoid rejection from their caregiver. Rather than expressing their emotional needs, they tend to hold their feelings in and avoid asking for help.

Anxious Attachment:

In this attachment style, adults have an unpredictable pattern of interactions with their child. Sometimes these caregivers are attuned to their child, picking up on their child’s cues and providing connection and support. At other times, the parent is distant or misattuned.

Children with anxious attachment often feel confused and unsure of how they can get connection from their caregiver. These children might be clingy, distressed when they have to be away from their caregiver, and may take a while to be soothed when reunited with a parent.

Disorganized Attachment:

In this attachment style, the adult is typically unavailable to the child (neglect) and/or acting in ways that cause fear in the child (abuse). The adult who is supposed to be the main source of safety for the infant instead becomes a source of fear.

Children with disorganized attachment can’t develop a strategy to get their needs met and struggle to develop trust with others.

So there’s your attachment primer. I invite you to reflect on your own attachment style and consider the question “how would you describe the relationship you had with your parents/caregivers during your chilldhood?”

When I ask this question, parents sometimes feel emotional. Taking the big step to bring your child to therapy is vulnerable. And being asked about your own childhood is even more vulnerable! 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, take a deep breath and know that attachment styles can change! If you’re feeling worried that your child is developing an insecure attachment style (avoidant, anxious, or disorganized), it’s never too late to make changes. 

I am honored to journey alongside parents as they are learning more about their kid and themselves. I provide child therapy that includes monthly parent coaching sessions so that I can support both your sensitive, deeply-feeling child and YOU as you are navigating the ups and downs of parenting a highly sensitive child. I find that parents tend to feel encouraged, supported, and hopeful after the intake session, as well as after parent coaching sessions.

If you feel like your child’s big feelings and explosive behaviors are getting out of hand, I have openings for child and play therapy clients in St. Louis, MO. Reach out to chat about your child’s needs and how play therapy can help! You can schedule a free phone consultation on my website, or email me at brightdaystherapy@gmail.com.

Bright Days Ahead: Counseling and Play Therapy is located in Clayton, MO. Rachel Zahniser, LPC specializes in anxiety and trauma therapy for kids (3-12) who are big feelers and sensitive souls. I work with families throughout the St. Louis area including: University City, Ladue, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Couer, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood.