How to set boundaries for your child with compassion & confidence
It’s bedtime. You’re exhausted from a long day of work (not to mention getting kids ready for school in the morning and getting dinner on the table before everyone gets hangry). You are more than ready for some peace and quiet. But your kids are not following the bedtime routine. They keep squirming away when it’s time to put on pjs. They refuse to brush their teeth and are begging for just five more minutes of TV. Finally after you wrangle them into bed, they beg for extra stories! After reading five books, you finally get them to pipe down and agree to sleep. Sound familiar?
Every parent knows the feeling of helplessness when their child pushes their buttons and breaks the family rules. It’s frustrating! The tough reality is that some amount of boundary pushing is developmentally typical for children (especially toddlers). They want to know what their limits are so they know what to expect and to feel safe and secure.
Here’s the good news: you can learn to set limits with compassion and confidence.
Not only will this help you keep your cool in stressful moments, it will teach your kids to respond appropriately to limits and to manage their frustration when they can’t get exactly what they want. Holding firm boundaries for your kids does not have to be mean or harsh.
Setting limits with your child: the ACT method
I use the ACT approach* for limit setting in my child therapy sessions and with my own child at home. This is the approach I teach parents in parent support meetings .
ACT stands for:
Acknowledge the feeling
Communicate the limit
Target alternatives
In this blog post, I’ll walk you through how to use this approach to limit setting with the following example.
Scenario: 5 year-old Kiki wants to watch an extra episode of Bluey after she already had her 30 minutes of screen time. You have a house rule that Kiki gets 30 minutes of screen time per day. Kiki usually throws a tantrum when you set limits around TV and screen time.
This is how setting the limit will sound (I break it down in more detail below):
Acknowledge the feeling: Kiki, I see you’re disappointed you can’t watch more Bluey right now. It’s really hard to stop doing something you enjoy so much!
Communicate the limit: You just watched your 30 minutes of TV and it’s time to choose a different activity. You can watch Bluey again tomorrow.
Target alternatives: What do you choose to do now: do you choose to play in the backyard or make muffins together?
1. Acknowledge your child’s feeling or desire. Your voice must convey empathy and understanding.
Kiki, I see you’re disappointed you can’t watch more Bluey right now. It’s really hard to stop doing something you enjoy so much!
Your child learns that her feelings, desires, and wishes are valid and accepted (this does not mean all behavior is acceptable). By empathically reflecting and validating your child’s feelings, you can often defuse the intensity of the feeling or need.
2. Communicate the limit. Be specific and clear—and brief.
You just watched your 30 minutes of TV and it’s time to choose a different activity. You can watch Bluey again tomorrow.
3. Target acceptable alternatives. Provide one or more choices that are acceptable to you.
What do you choose to do now: do you choose to play in the backyard or make muffins together?
Kiki may say, “I want to make muffins together.”
Your response, “Great, let’s do it!”
If Kiki doesn’t comply, Patiently restate the limit up to three times to allow your child to struggle with self-control before proceeding to the next step. It’s important to remain empathic and calm, but firm. You can again provide your child with choices for what activities are acceptable.
Kiki, I know you love watching Bluey; it's such a fun show! Screen time is over for today. You can watch Bluey again tomorrow. Now it’s time to choose a different activity. Do you choose to play with your cars or ride your bike?
4. Choice giving (with consequences) as next step after noncompliance
If Kiki doesn’t comply with the limit, after 3 reminders, it is time to set an ultimate limit.
Kiki continues to say she doesn’t want to turn off the tv and she pressed play on the next episode of Bluey.
Kiki, watching tv right now is not one of the choices. Screen time is over for today.
If you choose to turn off the tv right now, you are choosing to watch Bluey again tomorrow.
If you choose not to turn off the tv and you need my help to turn it off, you are choosing to not watch Bluey tomorrow.
Pause to give Kiki a chance to make a choice.
Potential outcomes:
Kiki turns off tv and chooses to play with her cars.
I can tell that was a hard decision- I’ll make sure you get to watch TV tomorrow.
2. Kiki continues to try to watch tv.
I see you’ve chosen for me to help you turn off the TV. That means you don’t get to watch Bluey tomorrow. It’s really hard to stop doing something you enjoy so much. And I know there are other things you have fun with. What do you choose to play next? (You can provide ideas again to prompt your child.)
It’s very likely that Kiki will want to watch TV tomorrow and may have forgotten the consequence you set. If that happens, you remind her of the choice she made.
Remember when you chose not to turn off the tv yesterday? At that moment you chose to not watch tv today.
Kiki may want to plead and cry (because that has worked in the past). BE FIRM- Don’t give in! Validate your child’s feelings and help redirect with acceptable choices such as:
This is really tough for you! Since tv is not a choice this afternoon, let’s think of other things you enjoy. Do you choose to play alone in your room or go to the park together?
That is how you set limits with compassion and confidence. If it feels wordy or hard to hold firm to the limits you set for your child, IT WILL GET EASIER! Keep practicing and you will find a flow with it. Your children will get more used to it, too!
I also want to note that it’s okay to not do the ACT method perfectly every time you need to set a boundary. I heard somewhere the idea of the 80/20 split; 80% of the time we’re on our game, trying to do our best parenting and 20% of the time we’re exhausted, dysregulated, and doing our best just to keep going. It is okay and totally normal to not be at your best 100% of the time!
If your child is constantly pushing limits and throwing tantrums when you set boundaries, it’s possible that they may need extra support and child therapy may be a good fit. Read to the end for details about the services I provide and how to get started.
How ACT limit setting looks with toddlers
For parents of little ones, here’s an example that occurs daily in my household with my 1.5 year old toddler: She’s playing with crayons at the art table and then tries to draw on the wall.
Acknowledge the feeling: It would be so fun to see how the crayon draws on the wall! You’re so curious about that.
Communicate the limit: Crayons are just for drawing on the paper at the art table. Crayons aren’t for coloring on the wall.
Target acceptable alternatives: You can choose to draw with the crayon at the art table. Or you can choose to play with your stuffie on the wall.
I repeat the limit 3 times. If she doesn’t comply with the limit, I set an ultimate limit:
Crayons are just for the art table. If you choose to play with the crayons on the wall, you’re choosing to be all done with art for now.
If she draws on the wall again, I give her options for how to clean up the art supplies and move on to a different activity:
You’re choosing to be all done with art for now. Do you choose to clean up the crayons by yourself or do you choose for me to help you clean them up?
My child will move onto a new activity pretty quickly, but if your little one needs prompting, you can provide ideas for acceptable activities: Do you choose to play with your stuffies or to read books together?
With my toddler, I may offer her to play with her crayons again later in the day to give her another chance to enjoy art. I also don’t make a big deal about her getting crayon on the wall because it’s easy for me to clean up. I’d rather offer her the chance to make an acceptable choice, rather than grab the crayon out of her hand.
If your child is doing something dangerous that could hurt them, that’s a different story! I would not use ACT limiting setting if my child was reaching for the knife in the dishwasher, for example! Toddlers have such a huge capacity to respond appropriately to limits. They will push limits all day long, because they are learning their world and wondering if their caregivers are consistent, reliable, and therefore, trustworthy and safe.
Is your child constantly pushing limits and you need some help?
You’ve tried the ACT approach to limit setting and yet your child continues to push limits and throw tantrums when you set boundaries. Reach out and we can chat about your child’s needs and how child therapy can help! You can schedule a free phone consultation on my website, or email me at brightdaystherapy@gmail.com.
Bright Days Ahead: Counseling and Play Therapy is located in Clayton, MO. Rachel Zahniser, LPC specializes in anxiety and trauma therapy for kids and teens (ages 3-17) who are big feelers and sensitive souls. I work with families throughout the St. Louis area including: University City, Ladue, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Couer, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood.
*Adapted from Copyright © 2006, Taylor & Francis Group, LLC. From Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents, by Bratton, S., Landreth, G., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S.R. (2006). New York: Routledge. Permission to reproduce is granted.
