“I can’t do it.”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m so bad at X.”

“I’m ugly.”

“No one likes me.”

If your kiddo struggles with low self-esteem you’ve probably heard at least one of these phrases. Or maybe you see their low self-esteem through their behavior. Maybe…

Your child avoids trying new things.

Your child avoids challenging tasks or sports they don’t feel good at.

Before leaving the house, your child changes their clothes several times and thinks a lot about if they look “good enough.”

It’s heartbreaking for us to see our children struggling to accept and love themselves just as they are.

I validate your hurt and worries AND I have some tools for you. Many of the kids who come to me for therapy are struggling with low self-esteem. Life can be hard, even for little ones (especially for little ones?)!

Wanna know my secret to boosting self-esteem in children?

It’s two fold:

1. Provide opportunities for our kids to experience mastery, pride, and joy in learning something new or doing something on their own.

2. Respond to your chlid’s effort (rather than just praising them).

What does this actually look like?

⭐️Let your child try things on their own before helping (and wait until they ask for help). *Of course, always keep your child safe. I’m not recommending you let your 2 year old try scissors!

I encourage you to give a challenge or allow your child to try something new that is appropriate for their developmental and chronological age.

⭐️ If your kid asks you to do something you know they’re capable of doing on their own, you can respond with, “That’s something you can do!” With my two year old, I’ll often say, “Do you want to do it by yourself or with Mama’s help?” If she chooses my help, I’ll hold her hand or walk next to her as she goes inside to get her stuffed animal. Our little ones still need nurture and support even though they are becoming more and more physically capable of doing so many things by themselves.

⭐️It can be so easy to do stuff for our children because we can do it so much faster! Look for ways to allow your child to help or do things for themself. Think: choosing their clothes, doing small food-prep tasks, taking the egg carton to the recycling, helping unload the dishwasher, choosing meals for the week, etc. Kids learn that they belong (which boost self-esteem) when they get to be involved in the everyday tasks of family life.

⭐️ Instead of saying “good job” all the time to your child, try responding to their effort with these self-esteem boosting responses from play therapy:

You worked so hard at that!
You seem so proud of your art!
You used so many colors!
That is tough, but you’re not giving up!
Go Kid, you can do it!!
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Responding to our kid’s effort helps them develop their own positive self-concept and internal motivation to try new things. Instead of looking to others to validate their “goodness,” we want our kids to develop an internal sense that they are good.

Surprise!

I actually have a little bonus secret to boosting your child’s self-esteem:

3. Do your own work.

Yep, parent’s I’m calling YOU in to notice how your own self-esteem and your expectations for your child may affect your child’s development of self-esteem.

As parents, our own childhood and life experiences impact how we show up with our children.

Ask yourself:

If I see my kid struggling with low self-esteem, do any wounds from my own childhood come up? If so, how can I care for my own inner child?

How can I model self-compassion and self-acceptance?

One of the ways we can help our children to develop positive self regard is to accept them for who they are and allow our children to grow into their own person.

It’s tempting to want our child to do certain activities, pursue certain careers someday, and become the person WE want them to be.

Ask yourself:

Am I giving my kid room to be themself?

What unspoken expectations do I have for my child? Are these realistic for them to achieve?

I hope these three tools help you better support your child! Drop any questions in the comments.

Are you noticing that your child struggles with low self-esteem and you want some extra support? Play therapy can help! You can schedule a free intro phone call on my website, or email me at brightdaystherapy@gmail.com.

Bright Days Ahead: Counseling and Play Therapy is located in Clayton, MO. Rachel Zahniser, LPC specializes in anxiety and trauma therapy for kids and teens (ages 3-17) who are big feelers and sensitive souls. I work with families throughout the St. Louis area including: University City, Ladue, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Couer, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood.