Woof. Meltdowns are tough to navigate, especially in a public place.

When our little ones are melting down it’s often due to feeling overwhelmed by an experience or a big feeling. Or Maybe they have a need that is not getting met. Kids usually aren’t able to access their thinking brain during a meltdown, so reasoning with them doesn’t do much.

Parents, I want you to promise yourself you will try these three things when your child has a meltdown in public:

1️⃣ Do not worry about what other people think of you or your child. You are a great parent and you do not need a random grocery shopper’s approval.

2️⃣ Get on your child’s eye level and validate their feelings (even if their reason for overwhelm seems totally irrational to you).

For example (using a compassionate, empathic tone): “You are so mad you can’t have a cookie right now. That is so tough.”

3️⃣ Pull out one of your tried and true regulating strategies to help your child get back into their window of tolerance.

If you don’t know what strategies help your child, it might be time to start building your toolbox of coping and emotion regulation strategies.

Start by trying some of my go-to co-regulation strategies.

Did you know children learn to self-regulate by “borrowing” their parent’s nervous system? 

Co-regulation allows children to feel their parent’s regulated nervous system. A child’s mirror neurons are firing like crazy, so when they see (and feel) you regulating your nervous system, your child is able to follow suit.

And eventually your kid will be able to self-regulate!

Three of my favorite ways for parents to co-regulate with their child are through play, nurturing touch, and music. 

Co-regulating with play might look like:

• Throwing something back and forth (a ball, a stuffed animal, a scrunchie)

• Building a tower and knocking it over

• Drawing (draw about feelings, scribble really hard to express anger, pick a color that matches your feeling)

• Playing with playdough (squeezing the dough can be regulating for a lot of kids)

Co-regulating with nurturing touch might look like:

• Giving your child a hand massage

• Playing with her hair

• Giving him gentle squeezes on the shoulders and arms

• Giving a hug (for as long as your kid wants/needs)

Co-regulating with music might look like:

• Singing to your child

• Putting on their favorite song

• Playing instruments together (or banging on pretend drums with whatever is nearby)

Did you know that regulating our nervous system is not just about “getting calm.”

As renowned play therapist, Lisa Dion says, “Calm is not the point. Connected to self during any and every experience is the point. Can children learn how to be with themselves when they are anxious, scared, happy, angry, sad. That’s the point. That’s emotional intelligence.”

Regulation is the process of becoming mindful of our body, becoming aware of ourselves, and grounding ourselves in the present moment.

Co-regulation is the process of helping your child regulate. If you are able to notice and accept your own feelings at any given moment, you are more likely to be able to help your child get curious about their feelings and be with each and every feeling.

I don’t know about you, but when my kid is having a meltdown it can be so stressful it’s hard to take a step back and get perspective (and hard to simply notice my feelings). Learning how to regulate yourself (and co-regulate with your child) during meltdowns takes practice. Take care to be compassionate with yourself as you learn!

Have questions? Leave a comment below!

Need more support?

If you’re noticing that your child’s meltdowns have become more frequent and more stressful, reach out to chat about your child’s needs and how play therapy can help! You can schedule a free phone consultation on my website, or email me at brightdaystherapy@gmail.com.

Bright Days Ahead: Counseling and Play Therapy is located in Clayton, MO. Rachel Zahniser, LPC specializes in anxiety and trauma therapy for kids and teens (ages 3-17) who are big feelers and sensitive souls. I work with families throughout the St. Louis area including: University City, Ladue, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Couer, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood.